I’ll be the first guy on this blog to admit that I succumbed to the perceived hype about the last edition of the Rocky Mountain News. I had actually forgotten that the paper was printing it’s final edition until I happened into a gas station and noticed people buying news papers. This struck me as odd, because I hadn’t seen anyone buy a newspaper in years. This may be why they went out of business. I bought two, just in case.
 

Once I take these out of the back seat of my car, I will store them next to the one comic book I own – the one where Superman dies – and my one copy of Sports Illustrated, which I think is related to the Avalanche winning something, but I can’t remember. But, though my knowledge of collecting things is limited, I am pretty sure that part of the value of collectibles is their scarcity. Based on increased demand for their last issue, the Rocky Mountain News decided to print an additional 100,000 copies. This should ensure that anyone who was even remotely interested in having one of these keepsakes would be able to find one easily and without much effort, and also ensure that a single copy had absolutely no intrinsic value.
 

This morning, almost a week later, I was in the grocery store and noticed a gigantic stack of newspapers, which I actually hoped were not what I thought they were. My hope was in vain. Stacks of the last edition of The Rocky Mountain News sat ignored as they spilled over the top of their little rack. I’m not sure if these are part of the second printing, or if there was a third or fourth printing. Either way, it is quite evident that, once again, the newspaper folks overestimated the demand for their product.
 

If it wasn’t so sad, it would be almost comical.

When I awoke this morning I was excited about what I assumed would be non-stop election coverage. As of 11:45 MST, I am totally disappointed. So far it has been similar to watching the first fifteen minutes of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, only without the fun parts.

My only hope is that someone somewhere will eventually vote so that we can see some progress. I guess everyone is waiting until lunchtime.

GO VOTE, you losers. I need some election coverage.

I’m pretty bummed today because for weeks now I’ve been planning a huge gathering of friends and family on October 29^th to watch the new “Knight Rider,” on NBC. (Never Broadcast Crap.) But, this morning I discovered that Barack Obama bought a half hour of television time to run his “please elect me” infomercial and it is going to air during the first half of Knight Rider.

Not since 1992 have we seen a candidate attempt to use the half-hour television commercial to get their message out to the people. Of course you will remember Ross Perot’s detailed plans to cut the federal deficit, which inspired a string of successful infomercials for everything from the Ronson Food Dehydrator to KaBoom. Even though millions of people watched the Perot infomercial (hey dumbass, it’s a commercial, change the channel), only seven people voted for Ross, and consequently he did not win the election and was unable to cut the federal deficit, which is why we are in such horrible shape now.

Other folks have tried the half-hour infomercial – Lyndon LaRouche broadcast one in 1984 to warn us that Walter Mondale was a soviet spy and probably not a good guy to elect as president. (Neither LaRouche, nor the infidel Mondale won the election, though the article I stole this from does not mention who won, so I can’t relay that information.) Despite the success of LaRouche’s infomercial, one must ask, in today’s hi-tech world, do people even watch television anymore?

I did a poll in my house this morning of the people who were awake when I left, and of all the registered voters in the household, only zero have made plans to watch the Obama-mercial. When asked what she would watch on October 29^th, Carrie Groce, Director of Something or Other at her company, said “Dude, I don’t even know what day of the week that is – we probably have volleyball.”

The evidence suggests an overwhelming lack of interest in this nation to spend our entertainment minutes watching political tom-foolery. I have not seen the Obama-mercial yet, but I can tell you with some confidence that it will say that Obama is a good guy and you should vote for him. At one point, it might even say that McCain is a bad guy, and you should definitely not vote for him. Also, it will talk about the “financial crisis” in our country, health care reform, etc, etc…

Jim “Jimmy-J” Jordan, a democratic strategist, admits that “It feels very old-fashioned, very 1960 or something” to have a presidential candidate air a half-hour commercial. “But the truth is,” Jimmy-J explains, ”there will be a certain universe of voters, disproportionately female, who are undecided and late checking in, who will be aggressively seeking information at that point.”

With that in mind, I’m going ahead with my October 29^th party (the balloons and keg are already ordered) but instead of having friends and family over, I think I’ll invite all the disproportionate, aggressive females out there. Ladies, send me an email and I’ll shoot you the directions. We don’t have to watch the Obama-mercial, we can watch old Knight Rider episodes on You Tube, or do whatever it is aggressive, disproportionate females like to do.

(Disproportionate does mean top-heavy, right?)

I was surprised to learn yesterday that the Democratic National Convention was in town. I thought I remembered writing a piece a month or two ago about being glad that the elections were over, but I guess I had my facts all jumbled.

A quick scan of Google News this morning suggests that the official election does not even happen until some time in the fall, so all the stuff that has happened so far doesn’t even matter. Admittedly I’ve had my head buried in the sand at work, and I’ve been building my internet empire on the weekends, so I haven’t had a chance to “tune in” to the ever-exciting election coverage.

Still, the Democratic National Convention is in my home town of Denver, so you’d think I would have at least known about it, and possibly received a visit from one of the candidates –surely at least one of the seventeen people running could have made it down to the burbs. I would have loved to have dinner with that one guy and his hot wife. (I would have looked up their names before they came over.) Sadly, I didn’t even know they were in town.

Of course, I don’t live in the city of Denver, nor do I work in Denver, so the chances of me bumping into any of the candidates were slim – even one of the random candidates like that Obama guy. I’m sure if Obama is still in the race, he’s probably struggling. I think he only makes like $700,000 a year – not enough to run a campaign. Of course, the whole point of our political system is that regular guys like me and Obama who only make $700,000 a year can still become President, because the system does not favor wealthy people, but he does have an uphill battle because Obama is hard to spell, and people don’t really remember the name. Plus, I’m not sure the country is ready to elect a man with young children. Most of the Presidents that I have known have had older children, so this must be what people want.

I wish I would have known about the Democratic National Convention though, because I could have offered some advice to the candidates. If I were running for President, and were visiting Denver, I would probably travel out to the suburbs and spend an afternoon at Park Meadows mall putting bumper stickers on all the cars. People like it when you put the bumper stickers on for them, so that they do not have to do it themselves. (I learned this “viral marketing” strategy in the parking lot of Disney World in 1985.)

Of course, I don’t think it matters how many people are running, or how many trees get cut down to make bumper stickers because I’m pretty sure Hillary has the election locked up. Her acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention was apparently amazing, and people really like her because she is very electable and people really like her, so people like her because she is electable because people like her. Also she knows a ton of stuff about politics and stuff.

Other people were in town too – including every reporter in the world. I suppose this is the largest news story to happen in Denver since Columbine. Oddly enough, it was because of the under-handed, over-sensationalized, absolutely-inaccurate reporting of Columbine that I forever swore off news coverage, which is how I missed the whole Democratic National Convention thing. I’m guessing there have been sweeping changes in journalism since then though, so more than likely today’s television journalists only report on things about which they have information and do not just spout sensational speculation for the sake of ratings.

I am sad though because I read that Anne Hathaway was in town for the convention, and I would have liked to meet her for several days, possibly over a weekend. Her outstanding attributes make her a natural spokesperson for any campaign. She has a brilliant political mind, as evidenced by her stint on the university lecture circuit, and her grasp of economics is amazing. (Her paper on Hazlitt was brilliant.) But, apart from her treasure trove of political tomes (you must read her book on the political history of the US during the cold war) she just has a certain something – I can’t quite figure out what it is, probably her effervescent personality – that makes people, especially male people, want to be around her.

From what I was able to read this morning, there was only one riot in Denver this week. From the picture, it looks like some hippies – probably fans of the rock and roll band Rage Against the Machine – got into a scuffle with the Denver Police. It doesn’t look like any of the police were injured though, so all is well. In related news, the Denver band Flobots played a concert, which kicked off with their song “Handlebars,” followed by seventeen Steve Miller Band covers, and finished up with the long version of “Handlebars,” by which time most of the concert goers had moved on to listen to Hillary’s acceptance speech.

More than anything, missing the Democratic National Convention brings to light the fact that I need to pay more attention to the world. There is still time for me to study all of the candidates and make an informed decision before the elections some time in the fall, but what if there had been something big – like the Olympics or something – and I totally missed them? I would feel pretty stupid and uninformed. I don’t think the Olympics are until next year though, or maybe this winter, so I still have some time to get ready for that.

UPDATE: I went downtown at lunch to see if I could catch a glimpse of Ellen (I heard she was in town) and I got this short clip…

You have no doubt heard that the race for the Presidential slot is over. We still have a few months before W goes on the lecture circuit, and the candidates are still actively campaigning, but this week Nancy Reagan backed McCain, officially making him President. They haven’t decided if we’ll still have elections or not, but if so, they will be merely for show.

You are probably confused, thinking that Nancy Reagan can’t single-handedly decide the next President. You are wrong.

With the backing of Jesus, McCain has clinched the race. Most of you won’t officially get over this for some time. you will still campaign for or otherwise support your candidate of choice. But, you’re time is better spent knitting socks, or getting in shape for when you get drafted. It’s over.

You might wonder, well, doesn’t Jesus love the other candidates also? To be fair and balanced, I looked for some connections. I too was hoping to find something that might keep the hope alive.

Sadly, there was that whole one thing a few years ago. I know it’s wrong to discuss it – we should forgive and forget and stuff. But…

I’m not saying there might not be a link somewhere, I just couldn’t find it.

As for Mr. Obama, I did find one interesting connection. Did you know that he and Brad Pitt are cousins? (Distant cousins.) After I discovered this, I got distracted and forgot to look for his connection to Jesus, because connecting him to Kevin Bacon was more fun.

I was reading this article in the Westword about Denver Post theater columnist John Moore who accidentally leaked that the paper was making significant cut backs – in response to a decrease in incoming dollars. He got in some trouble, but I’m not sure where the controversy lies.

Newspapers offer (for a fee) a product (news) that anyone with a computer can get for free. It does not take a genius to guess that eventually this model will fail.

But, here is Mr. Moore’s quote.

“To put it bluntly: You’re reading the newspaper (hooray), but not enough of you are paying for it (and that’s our fault). We’ve hastened our own demise by developing such a thorough and convenient online product…I’ve been helping to kill my own newspaper.”

He goes on to say that news-gathering is not a free service. Of course it isn’t. Many of us get our news from sources that get their news from other sources. For instance, it cost me very little to “gather” this story. But, the guy at the Westword gets paid to write his story, so someone has to find the money to give him. Again, Mr. Moore.

“Ever since newspapers went online, we’ve been training people to believe that information-gathering is free, and it’s not. We have only ourselves to blame for making access to our web site free for as long as we have.

“Eventually, if no one subscribes to the newspaper, and we don’t come up with a compensatory revenue-generating model for the internet, there won’t be a newsroom left to continue to produce the online product…”

I was listening to a radio program that debated this topic. One of the speakers had an interesting point – newspapers call themselves “newspapers” in error. Their product is not “paper” but “news.” The media should be irrelevant. Everyone knows that eventually newspapers will go the way of the wagon wheel. But, someone has to foot the bill for the reporters to go out and find the news to put on the internet.

Mr. Moore suggests that news sites charge a subscription of $8.00/year. But, newspapers have been charging subscriptions for years, and we all know that subscriptions serve only to give a head count of subscribers to the ad companies – who bring the real money to the table. Plus, some papers, like the New York Times, have given up on trying to charge subscriptions, because it doesn’t work…Or, was there another reason?

“…the reason for [The New York Times] scratching the paid service is that the company’s projections for subscriber revenue were small compared with advertising sales.”

What? Advertisers on the web? Can anyone do that? Yes. I just spent an entire month learning about how to monetize a website, and it wasn’t super-hard. You just sort of put ads next to the content and viola, you’ve got ad revenue. (Well, I don’t, because I get 3 clicks a month, but I’m thinking if you are the Denver Newspaper Agency, you can circumvent the pay-per-click dilemma.) However, according to the article, they haven’t quite figured this out.

“Unfortunately, no one who runs the Denver Newspaper Agency has come up with a working revenue-generating model for the internet.”

My wife, who is an authority on these types of things, mentioned that (a) advertisers won’t pay as much for online ads and (b) there is way more ad space in a paper than there is on a website. I don’t know – I’ve been to some sites that were so covered in ads that I couldn’t find the content. But, the New York Times made it work. Perhaps that has something to do with branding. And, maybe there will be a time in our not-too-distant future when we’ll all read three or four papers, and the rest of the papers (like the Wheeling News Register) will just sort of go away. That may sound mean, but seriously, how many copies of the same AP story do we need in the world?

When I think about it, I get pretty excited, because it is the forces of competition at work – right before our eyes. Papers will go away. News will live on, but not every little town will need to re-publish national stories on their site, so local sites will be able to dedicate themselves to local news. And, if there is no local news, then they can do something else with their time – like sell houses, or build cars.

I’m just glad I decided against becoming a journalist in college. I was on the fence for a while, but in the end, I think I made the right decision. Yes, I am in the mortgage industry, and it sucks right now. But, people will always need houses, and people won’t always need a newspaper at the end of their driveway.

“Good day and may the good news be yours” – Les Nessman

On the way home last night I decided to start an Election 2008 blog. I had a name picked out and everything – Pres08.com – but then I realized that I don’t know anything about politics, and by the time I (a) figured out who was running (b) got the blog set up and (c) enticed a few thousand people to read it, it would be 2011 and the blog would be superfluous. So instead I’m just going to write a post about the election right here and save everyone a bunch of time and money.

The Facts

Here is what I know about the 2008 Presidential election thus far. Several minorities are running – we have an African American, a Mormon and possibly even a Lesbian (unconfirmed). Also, that one guy that plays a President in movies is running – Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson has a hot wife, apparently, and I think there is a short guy with a hot wife as well. Osama Bin Laden is running, and the guy from I heart Huckabee. This information was pieced together from two sources – Dave Barry’s year end post and a story on NPR last night about the Iowa Caucasians, who may or may not be critical in determining the winner of this year’s election.

What I don’t know

This will be a longer paragraph than the one above and might even require a parenthetical break. In my free time I like to do those logic puzzles where you get names and places and objects and you have to match them up based on clues like “Mrs. Johnson, who does not play the saxophone, is not the sister of the man from Duluth.” My understanding of the presidential candidates is a bit like that.

I know Hillary Clinton is the woman and one of the Democrats, and that Fred Thompson is the actor and white guy, but from there it’s all sort of jumbled. I think Osama is the African American, and Huckabee is either Lily Tomlin or that guy from the Steve Martin movie with Claire Danes, but then that would make him the actor, and that’s confusing. Also, I am assuming that the Mormon is a republican.

Why I Care

I don’t really. It is sort of pointless to get all fired up about a candidate now, given that only two of them will make it to the final ballot, and only one of them will win. Given my propensity to back the loser (Texas A&M, Colorado Rockies, my kid’s baseball team) I would most certainly back the guy (or gal) that will not make the final cut. (probably not gal)

Plus, I’m not even sure what I believe in anymore. There are these monster issues like war and starvation and global warming* and performance-enhancing drugs, and if any one of these people could fix all of those things, then they would do it instead of running for President. The very nature of the office prevents its holder from affecting any sort of change so that even the most well-meaning of Presidents can implement their plan only by a fraction – moving the world inches, not miles, toward a goal. At least, that’s what I’ve been told.

The President is not the CEO of our nation. He is, at best, the VP of Sales. We elect these slick-talking, well-groomed rich folk, and then we complain that they are playing golf instead of working. But, golf is work for the VP of Sales. That’s why any actor worth his salt can be President – all you have to do is pretend to be Presidential, and the rest of the job is all scripted out for you.

Predictions

Because I have resolved that 2008 will be the year I interact more with the world (the online world, not the real world – the real world is gross), I think I will be a casual observer of this little Presidential Election thing. To make it more interesting, I’d like to make some predictions. Anyone with a good sense of people can make accurate predictions, so long as the predictions are vague. I don’t know the names, but it doesn’t matter – look at your list and pick one of the names with a (D) next to it that is not Hillary. That person is most likely going to win. I also predict that no matter who wins, we will continue to have war and starvation and global warming* and performance-enhancing drugs in this country. Instead of the whole “election” thing, we should just have a televised event where the current President throws a dart at all of the names of the candidates, and the name that gets stuck gets the job. I’d watch that. Of course, we’d have to give ‘ol George a few tries to get the hang of the darts.

*I don’t really believe in Global Warming, but we can pretend that it is an “issue.”

LOS ANGELES, Nov. 15 (AP) — Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks is expected to star in a film adapted from Dan Brown’s popular novel “The Da Vinci Code,” the Hollywood Reporter reported Monday.

Hanks, who will play the role of Robert Langdon, was the top choice for director Ron Howard and producer Brian Grazer, the report said. “Tom just has that extra something that will really set this picture on fire.” Howard said. “Plus, he really needs the work. Did you see that freaking train thing he was in. Poor guy. I just felt kinda bad for him.” Columbia Pictures hopes to begin shooting the film next year.

BEIJING, Nov. 15 (Xinhuanet) — The 2004 Miss World pageant kicks off on Sunday in Sanya, a picturesque tropical city in southern Chinese province of Hainan.

The event started with the Beach Beauty final, in which contestants in swimsuits from 120 countries paraded on the white sand, flaunting their taut asses and medically-enhanced breasts in front of a distinguished panel of horny judges. Miss United States, Nancy Randall, finally took the coveted title of “Chick I’d Most Like to Bang.”

ATLANTA (AP) – Fewer American girls are having babies. The birth rate for girls ten to 14 has dropped to the lowest level since 1946.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention credits the drop to sex education.

“Back in 1946, we knew sex caused babies, but we forgot to tell everyone.” a spokeswoman said. “Now, with advances in science, we are able to share this information with sexually active ten to fourteen year olds.” The most recent data shows there are about 73-hundred babies born in this age group.

WASHINGTON, Nov. 15 (Rueters) – US President George W. Bush has chosen national security adviser Condoleezza Rice to be successor of Secretary of State Colin Powell who resigned last Friday, a senior official said Monday.

The official announcement of the appointment will be made on Tuesday, said the official who asked to be identified, but was not.

In addition to Powell, the White House also announced on Monday the resignations of Education Secretary Rod Paige, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman and Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham. We’re not sure who these people are either, but it is rumored that Spencer Abraham has many sons, and many sons has Spencer Abraham.

New York – (Reuters) Watching a computer screen for nine or more hours a day might be linked to a progressive eye disease that can blind without treatment, researchers warned yesterday.

The risk of developing glaucoma this way was highest for those with short sight, they said in a study which provided more bad news for male office workers and professionals.

They were told by New York eye specialists last year that wearing a tightly knotted tie could make the condition more likely. “If you wear a tie, and are short-sighted, you will go blind,” said a spokesman for the group People Against Ties and Short-Sightedness. ”That’s why it’s better if you have some vision of the future. Or if you don’t wear a tie.”

Boise (ID) – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a new report Wednesday, showing a slight drop in adult smoking from 2002-2003.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention credits the drop to sex education.

The overall smoking rate among U.S. adults fell to 22.1 percent in 2003, the according to the CDC. That was a decline of just one percentage point from the year before.

“It’s a slow decline, but at least it is still is going down,” said Dr. Corinne Husten, acting director of the CDC’s Office on Smoking and Health. “The numbers might look better if I were not just ACTING director. Hint-Hint.”

Los Angeles – (Wu Tang Times) Despite the fact that the cause of Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s death may not be known for several days, it seems that some of his survivors are already bracing for battle over his assets.

Though the rapper, whose real name was Russell Jones, has been widely reported to have fathered more than a dozen children with different mothers over the years, Icelene Jones, his wife of 13 years, denied those numbers to the New York Post.

“For the record, he only has three children,” Jones, 35, told the Post, “ODB did not have many sons. And many sons, did not have ODB.”

BOULDER (AP) – An audit released by the University of Colorado chancellor has found no evidence that escorts or strippers were hired to entice football recruits. “Not within the last four years, for sure,” said a spokeswoman for the university.

The audit was launched earlier this year after allegations surfaced that such tactics were used by the CU football program. The audit covers 2000 through June 2004.

The report recommends that the university ban the use of private funds for recruiting, but the CU athletic department has already done that. “Basically, this was a big freaking waste of time and money,” said one official, who asked not to be identified as Chester Langley.

The audit also documented that a former athletic department employee purchased nearly $240 in alcohol at five recruiting dinners in 2001 and charged nearly all of it to the university. “Look at the numbers,” said Bill Bradley. “That’s less than $50 per party. Dude, $50 does not buy much beer.”

It also found that football coaches used a little more than $1,400 in university funds to have beer delivered to their hotel rooms during some away games for 1999 through 2003. “I thought we weren’t gonna talk about 1999. You promised we’d start looking at this from 2000 forward,” said Arlen Davis, spokesman. “Most of that $1,400 was in 1999, so it shouldn’t even count. And a good portion of it was not for beer, if you know what I mean.”